You asked me the other day if I ever imagined a reality where you and I did not meet.
I laughed it off and answered yeah, my world would be quite empty without you. You called me a lameo and the conversation took a detour for the better because to be completely honest, I never imagined a scenario without you in it before. Probability because of how happy I feel when I’m with you.
But that night my mind kept repeating your question over and over like a film on repeat.
I kept seeing myself in this universe that was perfect. I had everything I believed that made me happy.
I had family members that invested in me, I had this amazing connection with my brother in the sense off, if the world would ever turn on the one, the other would drop everything and fight off the demons that have consumed his brother. I had these soul-satisfying friendships, the kind where midnight drives with music in the background weren’t frowned upon, it was requested. I had this utter happiness, this relief within my soul, but most importantly I had you.
But then all of a sudden, this question that floated around in my head came and hammered against this bubble that was formed over this perfect world of mine and eventually it made a hole and burst through. It was if someone suddenly pulled a plug from a fully filed bathtub. All of these good and happy things of mine started spinning around and around as if sucked up by a tornado until it was dispatched out of the hole. Leaving me in a world where only one question remained floating.
“What is your world without me?”
And that is when it hit me… this is my world without you.
If our eyes never met, I would be the one waking up in a cold bed, clinging onto my sheets for comfort as my heart falls apart every morning. I would be the one staring out of the window and see only a grey world, where it never stops raining and the sun never brought the hope of a new day. It only fuelled the depressing air that I choked on every day.
If our eyes never met, I would see the world the same as I saw it before I met you. As a zoo where every individual is stuck in his or her own cage, being restricted to the view the bars of the cage allowed you to see. Some had it lucky, some had it shit. It all depended on where the zoo owner put your cage. And so life would go on and you’ll wait for this cage, for these bars just to disappear so that you could finally start living your life. It was almost like a wishing well, where everybody would pop in a penny, wishing the bars away. Some believed it work, because they saw, I saw, how people’s cages just magically unlocked. Little did I know the cage was unlocked the entire time. That is something you taught me. It was my choice whether I wanted to leave the cage or not.
If our eyes never met, I would still confine myself to this idea that every single person is the same. That is why people disappoint and that is why I don’t trust easily – or well not at all basically. I always believed that people’s own selfish desires are the true reflection of their souls and since we all have these selfish desires, there is nothing that distinguishes our souls from one another. But, you… you said that every person is responsible for their own desires, regardless if it is selfish or not and it is our choice as individuals whether we want to buy into the lie that those same desires determine the kind of heart we’ll have. I struggled with this concept, but you showed me that selfish desires are there, but it stays our choice if want to follow them or not. Our choices determine who we are, not some silly norms.
If our eyes never met, my belief in love would still be that of cookie crumbs, broken and shattered. But again, you somehow came and gather all of these crumbs and formed a full cookie. Don’t ask me how it is possible, but it happened.
You taught me to believe in the sunrise again, to believe in the songs of birds again, to believe in the possibility that people do change. You taught me to believe in myself, to believe in love, to believe in hope.
You asked if I ever imagined a reality where you and I did not meet…
The truth is, I did.
I don’t ever want to go there, because if our eyes never met…
You would still be you, but I won’t be me.