I grip my hands tight in each other, interlocking all my fingers as I press down hard on the beat of panic that surrounds my heart. The only thing echoing in my ears is the silly machine letting me know you are still alive.
I can feel how the sweat is dripping down from my forehead while my eyes keep their focus to the hospital floor. I can’t look at you – not like this.
“I was so stupid for leaving you alone!” I keep telling myself, driving my hand over and over through my already messed up hair.
I shake my head – drifting back to this morning when it all happened…
I came home this morning only to find that you weren’t in bed. I called out your name, but there was no response. I looked everywhere for you, but there was no sign, no indication of where you might be. I figured you maybe went for a walk in the complex to clear your head or something… I guess you’ve done it so much lately that it was only natural for me to assume, but when I found the bath room door locked, my heart sank to my feet. I found you on the bathroom floor next to an empty bottle of pills. I cried out to you, lifting your lifeless body and pressing it against mine. I felt your heart beat, but it was dying… I screamed for you to hold on, pleading with you not to leave me, as I rushed to my car with you in my arms.
I shake my whole body as the thrill from this morning comes as a reminder through my nervous system. I lift my eyes to find you on one of the hospital beds. You look so peaceful, so relaxed… something you haven’t been able to find as of late.
I let out a sigh and move over to the side of your bed. I take your hand in mine and take my place next to you on the side of the bed.
‘Baby, you’ve got to hold on, you’ve got to!’ I whisper to her, kissing her hand. ‘I still need you..’
I pause for a little while, just staring at her – taking in every single detail of her once so beautiful face. Now, the look of sickness have covered up her beauty.
I find my feet, patrolling up and down along side her bed, stroking my beard as I try to think.
‘The doctors said they managed to clean your stomach of all the pills, but they’re not sure if your body will every recover from the shock it was exposed to.’ I finally break the silence that has consumed us. ‘In essence they say your body might just give up…’
I move over to the side of her bed again, taking a seat. ‘But, I know you are strong enough to fight through this! You are! I, I – should have never done what I did….I, I just need you to come back. I still need you.’ my voice squeaks. ‘I will make this right, I swear to love you all my life and….’
‘Then why didn’t you?’ you suddenly ask in a weakening voice, slowly opening your eyes.
‘You’re awake!’ a bit of excitement reborn in my voice.
‘Why are you here?’ she asks, sliding her hand away from mine.
‘Because I care about you.’ I reply, reaching for her hand, but she doesn’t offer it in return.
‘Is that so?’ she struggles to say.
‘You need to rest, you’re still weak.’ I say, seeing how she is fighting to get a single word out.
‘Why did you save me?’ she suddenly asks, locking her dull eyes with mine.
I delay for a moment, caught by surprise – ‘I love you baby, that’s why!’
She rolls her eyes in disbelief. ‘I believed those words for a long time, but not anymore…’
The words hit hard and echo down my spine forcing my legs to budge a bit.
‘Where is the girl from last night, mmmmh?’ she continues.
‘I don’t know what you talking about.’ I lie, biting down hard on my bottom lip.
‘Don’t lie! I saw you and her together so many times….and every time my heart broke into a million pieces.’ she says looking me dead in the eye without shedding a tear. Her eyes are so dry and “dead” as if they’ve cried out all their supply of tears, leaving them with no life to show.
‘And last night when I saw the two of you together again outside our home vanishing into the night, my heart just couldn’t take it anymore!’
‘I- I uhm made a mistake…’ I manage to say.
‘A mistake? Yeah maybe in marrying me right?’
‘No, you are the best decision I ever made…’
She cringes at the sound of my words. ‘ You know what, not even all your lying could come close to what broke my heart again and again! No, it was the fact that I spend my whole life thinking that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that I was just gonna be some stupid, not worth knowing washout! But you, you were the one person who made me feel that maybe, just maybe I am good enough. Looks like that was all a lie, huh?’
My eyes start to water and soon the pain my heart feels is showed in the form of tears.
‘Oh good.’ she coughs in between, struggling to breath in between her words. ‘Finally I see a bit of realness from you. What did I do to deserve this?’
‘I loved you….’ I say in between my tears.
She pauses for a moment
‘And I loved you. That was my mistake.’ she replies almost in a whisper tone.
‘Please don’t leave me…’ I cry as I move over to her bide side, trying to do something to help her breath a bit better.
‘Never would I have dreamed of it, but then you left me and now it’s my turn to leave you…’ she manages to say before the life in her eyes leaves them and all I am left with is the sound of her machine ringing in my ear, notifying me she has left me….