GOD, LAAT MY WEER KLEIN GLO…

Here, die donkerte klop alweer aan my deur vanaand. Ek hoor hoe my vrees met elke klop groter en groter raak.

Here, ek is nie lus vir die gevoelens wat agter hierdie deur skuil nie, nie weer nie! Dit druk met alle mag en pag om my hart weer te kom spot – om my hart weer te kom omring!

My rug is teen die deur Here. Ek skop vas, maar ek weet nie hoe lank ek nog gaan kan uit hou nie! Here waar is my geloof?

Here, ek onthou nog hoe alles so simpel gelyk het toe ek klein was. Die sandpit was my werk en die swaai my vliegtuig. Ek onthou hoe maklik dit was om met U te praat; vir U te bid. “Liewe Jesus, dankie vir die dag en al my nuwe maatjies. Liewe Jesus, asb moenie dat my ma weer pampoen maak nie!” Alles was so eenvoudig…

Here, ek onthou ook hoe ek my pappa gevra het om onder my bed te kyk vir monsters die aande wat ek alleen en bang gevoel het. Dan het my pappa altyd gemaak of hy die monsters weggejaag het! Hy was altyd my held gewees. Ek het sterk geglo dat U vir hom die krag gegee het om so braaf te wees.

Here, U was so GROOT, so STERK en so ALMAGTIG in my oë.

Tog verstaan ek nie Here… wat het gebeur? Waar het dinge so skeef geloop? Hoekom het hierdie prentjie van U in my kop so drasties verander?

Nou kyk ek net in probleme en hartseer vas…

Nou is die monsters nie meer onder my bed nie, maar saam met my in my eie kop!

Here! Hoekom glo ek nie meer , “Daar is NIKS wat my GOD nie kan doen?”

Here, help my om weer klein te glo…

Help my om weer soos ‘n kind te glo.

Amen.

 

Advertisements

DIE ANDER JY

Jy, die meisie waarteen almal my gewaarsku het.

‘Sy gaan net jou hart steel en dit verniel’ het hulle gesê.

Ek lig my hand op en laat my oë toe om stadig oor die buitelyne van jou gesig te loop. Ek sit my potlood neer, tevrede met wat ek sien. Dis jy, die potlood jy.

Hulle is reg oor een ding, jy het my hart gesteel, maar die verniel deel is nie heeltemal waar nie. Jy het my kom verniel, my wanpersepie van jou en hoe die wêreld daar buite is. Almal is so geneig om jou in ‘n tronk te sit met hulle oë, sonder dat hulle toelaat dat jy jou eie hart kan deel. Alles is alles en niks is niks. Dit is wat ons geleer word om te sien. Maar, die potlood jy het my kom wys dat oë wat nie ingelig is nie, het nie die reg om ‘n tronk rondom jou te bou nie; saam het ons hierdie mure begin afbreek en ons eie opinie begin leef.

Ek onthou hoe ek was voordat ek jou ontmoet het. Al my sketse was altyd of geink in pen of vas gevang in verf. Nooit het ek dit toegelaat om verander te word nie. Wat ons sien kan mos nie verander word nie?

Tog was dit anders met jou – al my sketse van jou is in potlood.

Hoekom?

Die potlood jy verander daagliks soos ek die verskillende tipe kante van jou leer ken. Die wêreld kom teken in pen, maar ek teken jou in potlood , want elke dag is jou glimlag anders, jou oë skitter anders, jou lag klink anders, jou hare waai anders, jou hart klop anders…

Ek kan jou nie forseer om een persoon te wees vas gevang in ‘n pen skets nie.

Ek was vir lank opsoek na breathtaking moments wat ek kan vas vang in pen of in verf  om te sê, kyk ek was daar en niemand kan dit van my af steel nie. Hoe selfsugtig was ek om te verwag dat die natuur elke dag dieselfde moet bly sodat ek my skets kan kla maak! Die breathtaking moments is die verandering daarin.

Ek is nou opsoek na iets heeltemal anders. Ek is opsoek na die ellips saam met jou. Ek is opsoek na die forever young en die happy ever after saam met jou. Jy is my potlood skets, die een wat kan verander. Die een wat konstant verander.

Die “ander jy” verras my elke dag.

Ek is verlief op die “ander jy”.

IF OUR EYES NEVER MET

You asked me the other day if I ever imagined a reality where you and I did not meet.

I laughed it off and answered yeah, my world would be quite empty without you. You called me a lameo and the conversation took a detour for the better because to be completely honest, I never imagined a scenario without you in it before. Probability because of how happy I feel when I’m with you.

But that night my mind kept repeating your question over and over like a film on repeat.

I kept seeing myself in this universe that was perfect. I had everything I believed that made me happy.

I had family members that invested in me, I had this amazing connection with my brother in the sense off, if the world would ever turn on the one, the other would drop everything and fight off the demons that have consumed his brother. I had these soul-satisfying friendships, the kind where midnight drives with music in the background weren’t frowned upon, it was requested. I had this utter happiness, this relief within my soul, but most importantly I had you.

But then all of a sudden, this question that floated around in my head came and hammered against this bubble that was formed over this perfect world of mine and eventually it made a hole and burst through. It was if someone suddenly pulled a plug from a fully filed bathtub. All of these good and happy things of mine started spinning around and around as if sucked up by a tornado until it was dispatched out of the hole. Leaving me in a world where only one question remained floating.

“What is your world without me?”

And that is when it hit me… this is my world without you.

If our eyes never met, I would be the one waking up in a cold bed, clinging onto my sheets for comfort as my heart falls apart every morning. I would be the one staring out of the window and see only a grey world, where it never stops raining and the sun never brought the hope of a new day. It only fuelled the depressing air that I choked on every day.

If our eyes never met, I would see the world the same as I saw it before I met you. As a zoo where every individual is stuck in his or her own cage, being restricted to the view the bars of the cage allowed you to see. Some had it lucky, some had it shit. It all depended on where the zoo owner put your cage. And so life would go on and you’ll wait for this cage, for these bars just to disappear so that you could finally start living your life. It was almost like a wishing well, where everybody would pop in a penny, wishing the bars away. Some believed it work, because they saw, I saw, how people’s cages just magically unlocked. Little did I know the cage was unlocked the entire time. That is something you taught me. It was my choice whether I wanted to leave the cage or not.

If our eyes never met, I would still confine myself to this idea that every single person is the same. That is why people disappoint and that is why I don’t trust easily – or well not at all basically. I always believed that people’s own selfish desires are the true reflection of their souls and since we all have these selfish desires, there is nothing that distinguishes our souls from one another. But, you… you said that every person is responsible for their own desires, regardless if it is selfish or not and it is our choice as individuals whether we want to buy into the lie that those same desires determine the kind of heart we’ll have. I struggled with this concept, but you showed me that selfish desires are there, but it stays our choice if want to follow them or not. Our choices determine who we are, not some silly norms.

If our eyes never met, my belief in love would still be that of cookie crumbs, broken and shattered. But again, you somehow came and gather all of these crumbs and formed a full cookie. Don’t ask me how it is possible, but it happened.

You taught me to believe in the sunrise again, to believe in the songs of birds again, to believe in the possibility that people do change. You taught me to believe in myself, to believe in love, to believe in hope.

You asked if I ever imagined a reality where you and I did not meet…

The truth is, I did.

I don’t ever want to go there, because if our eyes never met…

You would still be you, but I won’t be me.

EK SIEN HOOP

Hoop, wat is hoop?

Is dit net nog ‘n woord wat se betekenis op toe ore val.

Of is dit ‘n woord wat al so baie gebruik is dat dit geen impak meer bied nie?

Almal sê altyd, “Hou die hoop, klou aan dit vas”

Maar wat as jy dit nie meer kan voel nie, wat as dit net vir jou nog ‘n woord is met leë beloftes…wat doen jy dan?

Jy begin dit sien…

Jy begin dit soek….en vind.

Ek het gesien daar is hoop.

Ek sien daar is hoop.

Ek sien daar is hoop in die opkoms van die son. Die strale wat elke oggend my oë tegemoed kom deur my kar venster herinner my, vandag is ‘n nuwe dag. Al die ou goed van gister is agter gelaat. Ek sien hoop in die reën as dit die droë aarde kom versorg met sy koel rustige teenwoordigheid. Ek sien hoop in die getjirp van voëls, want al wil ons nie sing nie, die natuur doen.

Ek sien hoop in die branders van die see…maak nie saak wat gebeur nie, hy is altyd weer terug om nog ‘n brander uit te spoel. Ek sien hoop in die wind, soos hy deur die blare van die blomme speel en die aarde laat lag-lag met sy koue brusie. Ek sien hoop in die glimlagte van die gebroke wanneer hulle met alles in hulle skree, “God is Goed!”

Ek het gesien daar is hoop in die glinstering van oë soos die gebroke sing as of niks anders saak maak nie behalwe om Glorie aan God te bring. Ek het gesien daar is hoop in die broederlike liefde vir mekaar, “hey ou,is jy lekker?”, “kom ons gesels ‘n bietjie.”

Ek het gesien daar is hoop in families wat ten spyte van als, kies om saam te bly en die lewe met groot glimlagte aan te pak! Ek het gesien daar is hoop in die opkikkering van ‘n siel van ‘n til werker as jy hom/haar actually vra hoe hulle dag was en wys jy stel belang – werklik belang. Ek het gesien daar is hoop in die bytjies wat die blomme se uiterste begeertes om te bedien te word, kom stil maak. Ek het gesien daar is hoop in harte wat brand om ‘n verskil te maak.

Ek sien hoop in mense wat kies om heeltemal iemand anders te wees as wat die wêreld konstant in hulle ore fluister om te wees.

Ek sien hoop in die generasie van vandag.

Ek het gesien hoe jong mense wat versuip word deur hulle eie emosies en omstandighede, hulle bokshandskoene aantrek en saam met God begin terug veg! Ek het gesien hoe individue wat in donkerte gesmart word, in donkerte gelos word, ‘n wil ontwikkel om weer te baklei, ‘n will ontwikkel om beter te wees! Ek het gesien hoe hierdie mense klim en klim en klim tot hulle uiteindelik die donkerte verniel.

Ek het gesien hoe Jesus lewens verander. Ek het gesien hoe tieners met niks opdaag en met alles wegstap. Ek het gesien hoe die nag negatiwiteit bring, maar hoe Jesus op daag en lewe bring. Ek het gesien hoe elke dag ‘n nuwe geskenk is om iets te doen wat jy nog nooit van tevore gedoen het nie.

Ek het gesien dat daar hoop is.

Ek sien daar is hoop.

Doen jy?

SKREE

Hard is the geluid van reën op my ore soos dit neer plons op die dak bo my. Die gegrom van donderweer laat my skrik vir n oomblik, maar my hart bedaar vinnig weer soos die reuk van reën my neus kom kiellie.

Alles is rustig – te rustig.

Ek haal diep asem en laat die vrede wat die reën bring my longe vul. Stadig laat ek die lug uit my neus vloei. My hande klou styf om die warm koffie koppie voor my op die tafel terwyl my oë, rustig sweef oor elke fyn deeltjies van die vertrek om my. Ek kan voel hoe my trane wil-wil verskyn, maar ek laat hulle nie toe nie. Ek het genoeg gehuil oor als, oor jou.

Die donderweer grom weer, my hart spring vir die skielike geluid, maar waardeer eintlik die skrik maak – in oomblik kon dit vergeet van al die seer wat dit omring en net fokus op die skielike opkikkering van sy eie ritme.

My oë keur terug na die oop deur wat oop en toe klap as gevolg van die woeste wind buite. Dit is dieselfde deur waar jy altyd deur huis toe gekom het, dieselfde deur waar deur ek jou gedra het toe jy een keer nie self kon loop nie – dit is dieselfde deur waar deur my oë jou sien verdwyn het vir die laaste keer.

Ek wens ek kon daai prentjie, daardie laaste gedagte van jou uit my kop uit verwyder, maar hoe kan ek? Dit is tog iets van jou…ek hou alles van jou.

My seun… mamma se hart mis jou. Mamma mis jou!

Ek mis hoe jy elke middag na klas by die universiteit huis toe gekom het, jou tas een kant toe gegooi het, my die beste drukkie ooit kom gee het, ‘n stoel gegryp het en alles van jou dag met my gedeel het.

Ek mis hoe jy die lewe gesien het en my gereeld herinner het dat die lewe ‘n lied is en al sing jy vals, moet jy net sing! Ek mis jou groen oë wat gesprankel het met lewe en drome. Jy het tog sy baie van daai gehad – drome.

Ek hoop Jesus laat jou nog toe om jou drome te jaag daar bo in die Hemel. Ek hoop jy verlang net so baie na my, soos wat ek na jou verlang.

Mamma skree baie in die aande uit na jou, ek is seker jy hoor my. Ek skree want my hart is seer. Ek skree want ek verlang. Ek skree want ek wil onthou. Ek skree want ek wil vergeet!

“Vergeet?” vra ek myself altyd.

“Hoe durf jy?” vat ek myself aan!

“Alles sou net makliker wees”

“Sou dit regtig?”

Mamma wou alles weg vee soos ‘n uitveer al die potlood lyne in ‘n boek verwyder wat nie daar moet wees nie, net so wou ek al die seer van jou uitvee… maar ongelukkig dra die verlede nie net die slegte dinge nie, maar ook die goeie. As ek die verlede uitvee, vee ek die goeie herinneringe saam met die slegte uit. Ek kan dit nie doen nie, daar is te veel mooi goed om van jou te onthou my liefie.

Ek sal verewig vas klou aan jou – verewig vas klou aan die gedagte van jou my seun.

WHAT IF…

What if?

What if I had the ability to rewind the time?

Would you go back with me to the beginning? To the beginning when everything was still okay, where the love between you and I was only the start of a beautiful promise.

Would you start over with me and relive all the moments we ever spend together. Would you guard this fragile heart again with yours? Would you commit to this freaky, but true relationship again?

What if time had another choice, another outcome for us? What if we didn’t have to rush things? What if we could have stayed on this journey of ours forever, until our last breaths?

That is just the thing isn’t it? You beat me to it.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful, but cold Saturday morning. I was on my way to pick you up for our breakfast date. I remember I listened to the song “I love that girl” by Green River Ordinance on my way to you. I remember the happiness that I felt, the utter joy of seeing you again and calling you mine.

You got into my car and we set off towards our favorite restaurant while jamming on Justin Bieber and One Direction songs. I remember just staring at you and telling myself I never want to mess this up. I never wanted to mess up the opportunity to get lost in your smile or to see the stars glimmer in your eyes. I never wanted to mess up the opportunity to feel the touch of your hand on my cheeks. I never wanted to watch you go, but the damn fool didn’t give me a choice.

I barely saw him coming.

I remember seeing bright lights and hearing the horrifying sound of your scream that filled my ears. I glanced at you right at the last second as if trying to capture this last moment, this last picture of you, before making the choice that changed my life forever.

At the last moment, I swung the car around, trying to force the issue. I wanted him to hit our car on my side in order to protect you. I wanted to protect you!

But… the tires gripped too much, not allowing the car to drift – instead overturning the car and the rest is inevitable…

I wish…

I wish it was me.

I wish it was me.

Your body remained lifeless in the car after the hit. I screamed at you to open your eyes, but you wouldn’t listen – but how could you? How could you even if you badly wanted to.

I remember seeing the other driver stumbling out of his car. He had the fresh smell of alcohol on him. I remember screaming at him and eventually almost punching him to death… luckily some nearby witnesses pulled me off, otherwise, my story would have ended there and then. Back then I truly believed it did.

What if I had the ability to rewind the time?

Would you start over with me and relive all the moments we ever spend together. Would you guard this frigate heart again with yours? Would you commit to this freaky, but true relationship again?

What if time had another choice, another outcome for us? What if we didn’t have to rush things? What if we could have stayed on this journey of ours forever, until our last breaths?

What if we weren’t such in a hurry that night? Maybe you would still be breathing next to me.

What if you knew what was going to happen? Would you still climb in the car with me?

What if that man hadn’t decided to drink that night? Maybe we could have chased the promise that we made – the promise of forever.

What if I told you I loved you?

Please stay…

I grip the staps of my two bags tightly in my hands as I hastily make my way to the door.

‘Josh, please stop!’ Alicia screams behind me.

I ignore her.

I flip one of the bags’ straps over my shoulder and reach for the doorknob.

It’s cold at first touch, sending a little shock throughout my whole body, but weirdy enough the feeling somehow feels familiar. The coldness, the hardness, the inability to budge any other way than it wants to – it reminds me of the heart I was offered.

‘You can’t leave me!’ Alicia stumbles into the living room. ‘You just can’t.’

I pause. ‘I can…’

‘No, please…’ she begs. ‘No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before.’

I cringe at the mention of her words. I let the doorknob go and turn around to face her.

‘When I look at you, I can feel it…’ Alicia continues

‘Feel what?’ I ask.

‘I feel loved Josh! I feel genuinely loved – and I-I look at you and I… I’m home.’

‘And I just don’t want that to disappear.’

I drop my bags hanging over my shoulder. I am staring at a face that once made my heart jump the bloody Empire state building. Those eyes were my beacon in the dark whenever I got lost, I could easily find my way home. Those arms were my safety…whenever they embraced me it felt like nothing in the whole bloody world could hurt me – and those lips, those lips were the only thing keeping my soul intact, the only thing keeping my mind from running away with me. She had this way of calming me down whenever a panic attack would hit my whole body. She… she would only kiss me once and the whole attack would stop.

She always said that she read somewhere that if you hold your breath during a panic attack, it would stop, so when she kissed me – I stop breathing, every time.

‘I will do anything if you stay Josh! Anything… I’ she breaks away as her voice starts to tremble under the pressure of all her emotions. ‘I don’t want to forget, you know? I don’t want you to forget me and I don’t want to forget you! What do you want me to do, huh?

‘Do you want me to say it again?’ she carries on has her face starts to turn red as her tears come tumbling down her cheek. ‘Because I will say it again! I love you Josh Grower!’

‘Please just stay…’

How in the hell did it come to this, I ask myself. I loved this girl – I love this girl.

I shake my head, ‘Why is it that people suddenly start realizing the value of something just as they’re about to lose it huh? Is it because we finished our little experiment on the greener grass and realized that a whole shit pipe burst on that side of the field and retreated back to the “once not so green” grass? Or is it because of something Anne Frank figured out a long time ago – that regret is stronger than gratitude or maybe even easier? It’s easier to say sorry than asking permission right?’

‘Well that’s just it Alicia, how can I look at you with the same caring eyes, when I know you just threw my love down the throat of another man?’

‘Josh you know I am sorry about that! I never meant to do any of that!’ Alicia says through her shaky voice.

‘Yet you still did. Now, why is that? Wasn’t I enough for you?’ I ask, feeling my own voice has started to shake.

‘No, NO! You are more than enough Josh! I would choose you over and over again!’ Alicia screams, moving towards me.

‘Then why didn’t you?’ I ask through my teary eyes. ‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I-I was weak. I chose one moment of escape instead of you. That was a mistake – but he didn’t mean anything to me!’

‘He meant nothing?’

‘Yes, he meant nothing.’ Alicia repeats. She grips my face in bother hands, gently stroking my cheeks.

I break away from her.

‘He surely meant more than nothing, because you were willing to jeopardize everything you and I worked so hard on in building this relationship with him.’ I say, moving over to my bags again.

‘If he meant that to you, then-then…’ I bite down on my lip as my emotions cause my voice to tremble. ‘If he meant that – then I don’t want to know what I actually meant to you.’

I pick my bags up and reach for the doorknob again.

‘Josh please, I love you!’ Alicia tries again.

‘I believe you –  it just came along a little too late.’

She tumbles down on her knees and breaks.

‘I do hope you find someone again that loved you the same way I did. I hope he can teach you what it really means to love someone because I surely couldn’t.’

I close the door behind me and vanish into the night sky.